Fire!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

Photo courtesy of Ashley, the only person who I've actually made a fire with over the course of the last two weeks; because I am dumb, and she is not.

It's cold.

Naturally, in an attempt to alleviate that situation, I've tried to incorporate fire in to my life (as well as the lives of people around me) because fire is hot. By thinking about fire, listing reasons for a fire, purchasing wood for a fire, and lighting fires, I’ve done a decent job. I should prolly try harder tho.

For example, there’s this kid Mayo. He breaks coffee tables a lot, and loves the Eagles. DONOVAN! The thing about Mayo is he makes moves. When asked to buy a fire pit on his way over, he bought a fire pit on his way over. We assembled it a lot faster then the youtube video about assembling fire pits said we could, because our fire pit assembling skills are significantly above average.

That was two weeks ago. We still haven’t built a fire in it…

We looked up the local West Chester, PA fire codes to be sure it was legal. (Fun fact: it is! …as long as you’re cooking food. Buy a pack of hot dogs, or a ham steak, or a pack of crackers, and just lay it in the dirt next to the roaring fire you’re getting drunk around and trying to jump over.)

We watched more youtube videos about fire pits.

We ate sausage, egg, and cheese breakfast pizza with what was an awful attempt at hash browns… Ry: “All that brown, and no hash”.

I slept for a while, interspersed with the drinking of little Rolling Rock ponies, which make me look like I have big manly hands.

We watched many many many Japanese women fail at finishing the Women of Ninja Warrior obstacle course because they all suck, and that show sucks, and 6 hours of watching the exact same thing with a different person attempting it is awful.

We went to Walmart and bought hand warmers, and marshmallows, and chocolate, and graham crackers, and skewers, and lotion, and fire starter bricks, and realized how impressively comfortable a Coleman camping cot is in the aisle.

We placed a bundle of wood inside of the fire pit, and placed the fire pit on top of the 6^th coffee table this house has had in it’s less than three years of occupation by these people.

We watched this video... and this video. A lot.

We went to the bars and fist pumped together, as well as with enthusiastic fist pumping strangers.

We played laser tag. I was the high scorer, and I’m ironically the only obese one, but our team lost because of a faulty gun that the user didn’t even ask to have replaced because he was obviously not committed enough to defeating the red team.

We went to the batting cages…and we were sore from standing still and swinging repeatedly for two days following.

But no fire. Why? I’ll tell you why: our prevailing reason is because it’s too cold. That’s right, fire makes you not cold…and yet we still managed to repeatedly use the temperature as an excuse to NOT make a fire.

Maybe next time.

Jersey Shore

It's been a weird couple of weeks. And only one thing can fix what ails us all: Jersey Shore. It has limitless potential...

1) Angry, irrational characters

2) Alcohol

3) Fist Pumping

Let's work backward, shall we? First, if you've never fist pumped, or are somehow unfamiliar with this exercise in awesomeness, I suggest you try it. Here's an example of it's popularity... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynF6xg5iCvw, and a Wikipedia article explaining the gesture… http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fist_pump.

Next, in all seriousness, how likely are you to fist pump sober? It may feel good, but it looks a bit silly unless you're squad deep. Liquid courage never hurts.

Now it's time to be drunk and in public, get angry over something unimportant, and act irrationally. Like, say...be a physically fit male punching a petite female in the face for talking shit. Oh, wait, you wouldn't. Why?

Probably because you're not a douche bag. I also am not, and wouldn't, though acting irrationally in other ways can be fun. Like arguing loudly on the street outside the bar you just got kicked out of after throwing up in your drink mid-conversation when there's cops around; or pressuring an ER doctor after a delicious meal at Bob Evans to explain to you exactly why it is that you can't contract AIDS from dried blood on a shirt, if by chance whoever's blood it was may have possibly had AIDS...maybe.

Ways that don't end in Snookie getting molly-whopped.

But on TV, it’s hilarious. It all is. And if you’re concerned with the result of accepting the three things listed above in to your social life, DON’T BE! Just don’t be a douche bag, and it’ll work out great. Stories galore… Guaranteed, or your time reading this blog will be returned for a full refund.